The temporarily-not-running-runner
I'm not running and I'm not doing very well as a result.
Let's not pretend it's entirely unexpected. I spent about 50 miles of Badwater smashing back paracetamol because my knee was hurting, so it's no major surprise that there's a bit of recovery needed.
I've tried to run a few times. I've done a few 4-5km runs and the pattern was the same - all fine, then after about 1km my knee would start to hurt. I'd stop and the pain would disappear.
No pain walking, no pain doing anything else. I can cycle and I can leg press, but I can't run.
I was on a massive high after Badwater, it was epic. I felt so fit, I felt so good, and now it feels like everything, all that hard work, is just ebbing away. Logic and "science" say that it isn't, or at least not as much as I fear. But it feels like it.
I was one of this year's Badwater finishers, that's fewer than 100 people in the world this year, and now I'm someone who can't run. I know it all sounds a little dramatic.
I've written before about identity, and how the way we talk about ourselves, inside and outside our heads, has a huge impact on our lives. Being injured, or maybe being a temporarily-not-running-runner, is not that easy for me.
I've spent the last few weeks working on a new strength and conditioning programme. That's all good and I've enjoyed the focus. I've kept going to the sauna and I think that's been beneficial - apart from the heat benefits, you can't take your phone in there, so it's 30 minutes or more of total peace.
I've been on my bike a bit, but it's been such a long time that it hasn't been the joyful, solid sessions I remember.
It's all been "ok", but that's just about it. I've tried to tell myself it's just a bit of time off. But your mind plays tricks. What if that's it? What if that was my last run? I'm not ready for that.
And none of it stayed where it should have. Work got worse. Family time was strained. My general mood was really down and I was cross with myself about everything, all at the same time, and not really sure why. The smallest thing seemed overwhelming.
That's the part I didn't see coming. I thought I'd lost running for a few weeks. What I'd actually done was knock everything else off balance with it.
I think I've turned a bit of a corner, and perhaps that's why I feel like I can write this. Today I ran 1km and my knee was fine. In fact, with guidance from Laura Morris and Fletch, I don't think it's my knee at all. On the latest podcast we touched on the interconnected nature of our wildly complex bodies.
I'm saying all this because I think it's fairly normal. I want people to read it and realise I'm the same or at least similar! I have the same fears, the same anxieties and the same arguments with my inner voice.
But I also want you to hear this: stick to the process. Focus on the actions and don't try to THINK too much.
When I think about it, I unravel. What I'm getting better at, note not perfect, is silencing the voices and taking action.
It's not easy, but that's the human condition - we do make a bit of a meal of things!